This is exactly me.
I live every single day like this.
This is exactly me.
Talked a bit to my boss today.
I know she means well.
Pretty much summed everything up.
Told her I was going to kill myself.
She than tried to tell me I could talk to her.
Again, I know she means well, but she can’t help.
No one can, I don’t think.
I am way to gone. Nothing anyone says will end up making me think twice.
Tell me something..
If an animal is in pain and suffering, you would put it down right?
How come you can’t do that to a human?
I mean I get it.. But still.
Punching walls. Cutting up my arms and legs. Nothing is helping anymore.
I don’t want to live.
Well, honestly, I don’t want to live HERE anymore. But change is way too fucking difficult, mostly because I would need a shit ton of money that I will never have. So suicide is the only other way out. I just hate that I’m to damn scared to commit it.
There is no future for me. I see nothing. I’ll be doing this same damn thing for the rest of my life.
Found out that a lady at a mall (kinda near by me) jumped down three stories to try and kill herself. She is in critical condition, so it might have not even worked. That’s just crazy to think about. Not “how could anyone do that” but that I can see where she is coming from in a different light. Now I could never do that in such a public place. Not fair to other people.
Simply. I just want it to end.
1) Either that be living here..
2) Killing myself.
3) Or having SO many happy pills (which I could possibly abuse and do the second thing) that everything is automatically ok.
Number 3 seems the most to be likely to happen.
But, it won’t happen.
Because I will never make the call or set up the appointment because half of me (the winning half) doesn’t want to do that.
The winning half wants so fucking badly to make number 2 happen.
I need help. Help with making that appointment. Help with ANYTHING.
But…(another but) I don’t have help.
Only because I have whined and cried about this for too long that everyone (not many people) around me are sick of it.
Sick of all the bullshit.
They are all basically thinking (just fucking do it already. Kill yourself for god sakes. Get it over with if you want to do it so badly.)
Well you do not have two sides of you fighting against each other, so clearly you don’t understand. But that’s life. I get that. this is why I’m such a terrible sister, daughter and friend.
I wish I could just leave. So none of the people would have to deal with me anymore. But again..fighting.
This is why I don’t talk to anyone. People at work are always saying how “anti-social” I am. That’s because I want no one in my life. I just don’t see the point. Plus I don’t like most people anyway.
I have one friend.. But since I’m such a terrible friend (I can’t even call myself that word) it’s like we aren’t friends.
She’s sick of me. Trust me, I would be too. Have no idea why she keeps hanging on. I don’t talk to her willingly simply for the reasons I stated above.
I mean I suck so bad, I can’t even finish my suicide note.
Yet at work, as I’m taking care of people, I cut my arms. I mean no one cares, so I am able to do that.
I am one messed up human being.
I wish I was never put on this (horrible) planet.
I am just a waste of space who really wants to get out of here but is to messed up to do it.
I have nothing to live for.
I wish so badly to be dead right now. I wish someone would come into my work and just shoot me for no damn reason. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore.
I was looking at wedding dresses earlier. This would be a dress I would want. Of course if it looked ok on me.
BUT.. of course…
I’m never getting married. Because no one will ever love me. No one would ever want to marry this piece of shit. I’m fat, ugly, and stupid beyond belief.
So that dress is just a pipe dream.
Something that will never come true, or happen.
And that’s ok.
I won’t be alive much longer to see how no one will ever like me.
This is me, for sure. Soon.
I need to go to walmart and get new work pants..
I wish I wasn’t such a lazy son of a bitch person with high anxiety..
If I wasn’t that.. I would be able to just go to walmart and get pants..
Fucking hate myself so much.
I hate being awake, well because of everything that goes on (life).
And I hate sleeping because my bed is horrible beyond belief. It’s breaking my back very slowly. I lay on two sheets, two comforters and a pillow right under my back.
I just hate being alive.
Now you are probably saying “there are people out there that don’t even have a bed”. Well I’m sorry. Call me shallow. Call me a horrible person. I already know these things. But thinking about others not having a bed, does not make my back any better.
I will lose all feeling in my hands, feet, legs and back, soon enough. I am telling everyone. I should not be working this damn hard. But the good thing, when that does happen, I may be able to sue the shit out if the company I work for.
I was seriously considering leaving. My gas tank is full. I don’t need to pack much stuff. And I have a bit of money. I would just have to find any other job before my car payment was due, so I don’t lose that.
I would love that very much. Just to leave all of this.
I mean leaving is better than suicide..right?
Yeah and IM pathetic and stupid.
I feel like I can’t post anything on twitter, things I want to say or say to other people because I get judged.
I get that I shouldn’t care what other people say..or think. But they tend to tell me how they feel about me posting stuff and I’m tried of hearing it.
That’s why I like to come on here. Say what I want. And go. No drama. No messages. Just get it out and no judging. Mostly it’s because no one listens and I have no friends..but I’ll take it.
Gotta love when people tell you to stay strong.
It’s kind of hard/impossible to stay strong, when you were NEVER strong in the first place.
I hate living.
I simply just hate it.
I’m not even taking care of myself anymore.
Eating horribly. I wish that it would kill me.
I don’t want to die, because that’s it.
But I don’t want to live at all either.
I wish my sister wasn’t home sleeping right now.. I would punch so many more holes in my walls. This house is a huge piece of shit anyway. It’s been dying for 20 years. A few holes won’t make a damn difference.
I say this a lot, but I am such a horrible person. A horrible friend, sister and daughter.
Not to mention lazy. I am so lazy as fuck. But mostly that’s because of the depression.
I want help. I do. I was telling my coworkers I wanted to call the doctor. Get help. But my anxiety is so beyond horrible, that will never happen. Hasn’t happened in over a year now.
I wish this could all just stop. All of it. I pray everyday that I will be taking out of here. I don’t want to leave. But I also very much do, because there is nothing here for me.
Simply a huge, fat, ugly, stupid, talentless waste of space.
I’m pretty done with everything.
I don’t believe I’ll be getting anymore tattoos for a little while.
I just got one yesterday (8-21-14) and I’m sure it will be the last. At least for a while or so.
Something just hit me when I was getting it.
Not really sure what it was.
I do know I’m tired of being made fun of for the ones I have. Mostly all of them have to do with a band or song.
So what?! That’s what I love. Tattoos should be things you love, or whatever the hell YOU want.
You have no idea how tired I am of hearing “are you British? Talk in a British accent.”
Just leave them alone.
My tattoos are what I, and only I, want. And love.
SO STOP MAKING FUN OF ME AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.
The laughing hurts.