I think I’m regretting all of my tattoos..
That must be why I’m trying to pretend they aren’t even there.

Not really sure.

I don’t hate them.

I love them.

Just the point behind them all isn’t there anymore.


I am honestly going to lose it very soon.
I’m no longer doing this anymore.
Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck everything. I’m done caring.

Sunday was the worst day I’ve had in a little bit.

I think I am now done with bands. Music in general. It’s ridiculous anymore.

Yeah it’s over. Sunday night killed it for me.
I just have to get through two more shows this year (that I already paid for).

Damn there is one more next year. That’s just a stupid event though.

Plus I may not live that long. Or even be here in this fucking city.

I am done too with people. Anyone. I have no one, and I will continue to have no one.
That’s how it needs to be.
I need to figure my shit out.

Arizona One Direction/ 5 Seconds of Summer Fans!

Trying to sell ONE ticket to the show tomorrow (9/16/14)

Section 135 row 23 seat 7.
Only $100.

Please let me know!
You will be siting next to me.

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Urrrggg!!

It’s 1am and I’m still awake. I just can’t sleep. I guess it’s because in 5 hours I’m driving up to Vegas to see R5.. But I don’t even feel excited. I feel tired. But I can’t sleep. (Insert crying emoji face)

So today was my last day of work. (THANK GOD!) I am now on a week and a half vacation.

I was working with the new guy.. Urg, men suck!

He basically confirmed that I was the ugliest person alive. Well he didn’t deny it. I said “it doesn’t get much uglier than this right here (pointing to myself)”. He said “you never know”. Now I know what I said is 100% true! For sure.
I’m just surprised that for once in my life someone didn’t lie to me and say “no you’re not, you’re beautiful”. I am very glad that he said what he said. It just confirmed it.

Well here’s to trying to sleep, which I won’t be doing.

No one has any idea how extremely close I am to killing myself right now.
Just tie a scarf around my neck, hang from the doorknob..

I wish.

I’m going to try and just lay down and sleep. Hopefully I can get it off my mind.

So the awesome feeling from the new guy at work is now fading away. I knew it would. That feeling was to good to be true.

Even though it’s just me and him for 5 hours tomorrow.

He still continues to make me laugh, and I think I need that at work.
It’s just also hard working with him at the same time.

I just hate feeling like this.
Just sucks, cutting, starving and alcohol are three things to numb the feeling. I’ll never get rid of it.

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I am just a fat ugly freak who can’t grow up and do anything right.

Oh how I can’t wait until tomorrow after work. No one will be home but me.
I will make my hand bruise. And maybe some other things too.

We have this new guy that’s just starting at work. Yesterday was his first day.
I really like this kid.
Like REALLY like this kid.
Not in THAT way though. (I mean he’s attractive but he has a baby and a gf)
Yesterday was so nice!
Everyday I work, I just hate being alive, and being there.
I usually punch the lockers that we have until my hands red.
But not yesterday.
He makes me laugh.
He makes working there suck less.

It’s weird though.. We agree on everything. At least what we were talking about yesterday.
And he’s only 3 years younger than me..

Sorry getting side tracked..

But yeah he’s really cool. I’m so glad I get to work with him a lot while he is training.

This is exactly me.
I live every single day like this.

This is exactly me.
I live every single day like this.

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Talked a bit to my boss today.
I know she means well.
Pretty much summed everything up.
Told her I was going to kill myself.

She than tried to tell me I could talk to her.

Again, I know she means well, but she can’t help.
No one can, I don’t think.
I am way to gone. Nothing anyone says will end up making me think twice.

Tell me something..
If an animal is in pain and suffering, you would put it down right?
How come you can’t do that to a human?
I mean I get it.. But still.

Punching walls. Cutting up my arms and legs. Nothing is helping anymore.

I don’t want to live.

Well, honestly, I don’t want to live HERE anymore. But change is way too fucking difficult, mostly because I would need a shit ton of money that I will never have. So suicide is the only other way out. I just hate that I’m to damn scared to commit it.

There is no future for me. I see nothing. I’ll be doing this same damn thing for the rest of my life.

Found out that a lady at a mall (kinda near by me) jumped down three stories to try and kill herself. She is in critical condition, so it might have not even worked. That’s just crazy to think about. Not “how could anyone do that” but that I can see where she is coming from in a different light. Now I could never do that in such a public place. Not fair to other people.

Simply. I just want it to end.

1) Either that be living here..
2) Killing myself.
3) Or having SO many happy pills (which I could possibly abuse and do the second thing) that everything is automatically ok.

Number 3 seems the most to be likely to happen.
But, it won’t happen.
Because I will never make the call or set up the appointment because half of me (the winning half) doesn’t want to do that.
The winning half wants so fucking badly to make number 2 happen.

I need help. Help with making that appointment. Help with ANYTHING.
But…(another but) I don’t have help.
Only because I have whined and cried about this for too long that everyone (not many people) around me are sick of it.
Sick of all the bullshit.
They are all basically thinking (just fucking do it already. Kill yourself for god sakes. Get it over with if you want to do it so badly.)
Well you do not have two sides of you fighting against each other, so clearly you don’t understand. But that’s life. I get that. this is why I’m such a terrible sister, daughter and friend.
I wish I could just leave. So none of the people would have to deal with me anymore. But again..fighting.

This is why I don’t talk to anyone. People at work are always saying how “anti-social” I am. That’s because I want no one in my life. I just don’t see the point. Plus I don’t like most people anyway.
I have one friend.. But since I’m such a terrible friend (I can’t even call myself that word) it’s like we aren’t friends.
She’s sick of me. Trust me, I would be too. Have no idea why she keeps hanging on. I don’t talk to her willingly simply for the reasons I stated above.

I mean I suck so bad, I can’t even finish my suicide note.
Yet at work, as I’m taking care of people, I cut my arms. I mean no one cares, so I am able to do that.

I am one messed up human being.
I wish I was never put on this (horrible) planet.
I am just a waste of space who really wants to get out of here but is to messed up to do it.

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I have nothing to live for.

I wish so badly to be dead right now. I wish someone would come into my work and just shoot me for no damn reason. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore.

I was looking at wedding dresses earlier. This would be a dress I would want. Of course if it looked ok on me.

BUT.. of course…

I’m never getting married. Because no one will ever love me. No one would ever want to marry this piece of shit. I’m fat, ugly, and stupid beyond belief. 

So that dress is just a pipe dream.
Something that will never come true, or happen. 

And that’s ok.

I won’t be alive much longer to see how no one will ever like me.

I was looking at wedding dresses earlier. This would be a dress I would want. Of course if it looked ok on me.

BUT.. of course…

I’m never getting married. Because no one will ever love me. No one would ever want to marry this piece of shit. I’m fat, ugly, and stupid beyond belief.

So that dress is just a pipe dream.
Something that will never come true, or happen.

And that’s ok.

I won’t be alive much longer to see how no one will ever like me.

This is me, for sure. Soon.

This is me, for sure. Soon.

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