Punching walls. Cutting up my arms and legs. Nothing is helping anymore.
I don’t want to live.
Well, honestly, I don’t want to live HERE anymore. But change is way too fucking difficult, mostly because I would need a shit ton of money that I will never have. So suicide is the only other way out. I just hate that I’m to damn scared to commit it.
There is no future for me. I see nothing. I’ll be doing this same damn thing for the rest of my life.
Found out that a lady at a mall (kinda near by me) jumped down three stories to try and kill herself. She is in critical condition, so it might have not even worked. That’s just crazy to think about. Not “how could anyone do that” but that I can see where she is coming from in a different light. Now I could never do that in such a public place. Not fair to other people.
Simply. I just want it to end.
1) Either that be living here..
2) Killing myself.
3) Or having SO many happy pills (which I could possibly abuse and do the second thing) that everything is automatically ok.
Number 3 seems the most to be likely to happen.
But, it won’t happen.
Because I will never make the call or set up the appointment because half of me (the winning half) doesn’t want to do that.
The winning half wants so fucking badly to make number 2 happen.
I need help. Help with making that appointment. Help with ANYTHING.
But…(another but) I don’t have help.
Only because I have whined and cried about this for too long that everyone (not many people) around me are sick of it.
Sick of all the bullshit.
They are all basically thinking (just fucking do it already. Kill yourself for god sakes. Get it over with if you want to do it so badly.)
Well you do not have two sides of you fighting against each other, so clearly you don’t understand. But that’s life. I get that. this is why I’m such a terrible sister, daughter and friend.
I wish I could just leave. So none of the people would have to deal with me anymore. But again..fighting.
This is why I don’t talk to anyone. People at work are always saying how “anti-social” I am. That’s because I want no one in my life. I just don’t see the point. Plus I don’t like most people anyway.
I have one friend.. But since I’m such a terrible friend (I can’t even call myself that word) it’s like we aren’t friends.
She’s sick of me. Trust me, I would be too. Have no idea why she keeps hanging on. I don’t talk to her willingly simply for the reasons I stated above.
I mean I suck so bad, I can’t even finish my suicide note.
Yet at work, as I’m taking care of people, I cut my arms. I mean no one cares, so I am able to do that.
I am one messed up human being.
I wish I was never put on this (horrible) planet.
I am just a waste of space who really wants to get out of here but is to messed up to do it.